In light of not being able to go home I might just dress up on Thursday, just enough that I can wear my Canada flag tie. Who knows. Part of me wants to cling on to my small amount of Canadian heritage that I have left, but the bigger part of me knows that my future will be the best that it can be only as I pursue a career and family, and life here in the United States. The people that I love the most besides my parents are here, I want to stay close to my converts from my mission, I want to be close, to the church, the temples, and maybe one day a beach somewhere. Things will somehow work themselves out. I don't know at all what I want to do yet, but somehow I am thinking that someone does, and if I just pay attention to a few details, I will one day learn it, and be able to succeed.
I was caught in a rain storm today, and for some reason I just thought, and I thought about me, who I am, who I want to be, what I want to be remembered by. Somethings in my life just turned around in the past little while, and I didn't know what to do. What to think, what to say, who I wanted to be. I felt myself slipping away a little bit, feeling slightly lethargic from school. I think its the fact that its July, and its finally getting warm. It is not supposed to be this cold this long. But anyways, back to the rain. I had just had a not great day, and then to make matters worse, I had planned on not being able to do much of anything today because its hay bailin season and I was planning on being out til 4 am driving a tractor, but dumb Idaho has to have a 90 degree day, with 5 percent chance of rain and get a flash flood thunderstorm. So as I was driving, to the shop because hay was an epic fail, I saw a car on the side of the road, and with all the time I had to reflect and realize a lot about me, I stopped and pulled over. In the ten steps that it took me to get from my car to his I was drenched from head to toe, completely soaked, no joke, not a dry spot on me. I asked if they needed up and they had someone coming already... times like those I wish I was a bit more mechanical, but I just knew that at least they would know someone in this world cared. How many times do people just drive past the car on the side of the road with the lights on. Do we stop? Do you ever wonder what those people think!? Why are we always so rushed that we can't just stop for a minute and check on the well being of someone else? That's when I realized a bit about who I am, and what I want in my life. I would like to think that I am a pretty nice guy. I mean sure, I have moments where I am mean, but for the most part I bend over backwards for people, friends or strangers... I am known to pull over most of the time and help, or at least make sure there isn't something I could do. I love my friends, even though sometimes it feels like its one sided, like I am always doing, or paying, or helping them, and yet my pride doesn't let me take things in return very much. I just do things, I don't think, or make a fuss. So why bring this up!? I have realized that I miss intimacy in my relationships. I feel like I haven't been myself lately, I have always been trying to impress because someone made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I constantly fight a battle with myself to add up to everyone else's expectations, and yet what about mine, what about my dreams and goals and wants and needs? Not many care, and those that do I consider my truest friends. But as I pondered this thought, I realized that I miss the intimate relationships of trust with the opposite sex. Not sexual relationships, but intimate, deep, passionate relationships of trust and love. It has been a very long time since I felt that way about anyone, and Lord knows its been a lot longer since anyone has felt that way about me. So what to do? I don't believe there is anything I can do, but I sure don't want to have to change me to accomplish it. I don't need to be anyone other than what I want to be, I know that I want to leave behind a legacy of love, patience, trust, and charity. I want people to remember me by the things I willingly, faithfully did out of the goodness of my heart. I want to be soft spoken and wise, and have others truly look up to me, not for me, but because I follow a plan much greater than my own. With God as a witness I want to be honest and true, and I want people to never doubt my integrity. With all these things that I want I need to have someone who wants me for all those same reasons. It is hard to love, or to let love in, and yet when you do it can be one of the most rewarding things on earth, but can you force it? No, but you can certainly influence it, and let it start to develop. Nothing can be worse than cutting yourself off, and being reclusive, you never learn, never grow. I want to be wanted, is ultimately what I learned today. I want to have the one person who can't wait for me to get home from work, who tries their best to stay up late when its a late night, or to just always remind me how much they miss me. I want someone who can't wait to hear about my days follies or triumphs, and who can't wait to share theirs with me. I want someone who looks into my eyes, and melts me, and who I just can't wait to see, someone who the moments apart seem like forever until we can reunite. That is not an impossible thing to find, what is hard it letting it happen. Being not afraid, to open up, to gamble everything for love. If it pans out it is worth it. It becomes the most important and valuable thing we can find and treasure. It becomes the purpose of life, and creating life. When I find that, I realized tonight, I will die a happy man. A man whose purpose was fulfilled, and who found all the things in life he desired and dreamed. But its two way, people have to open up, we have to trust, its our nature, its built in, and yet we fight it, hide it, hide ourselves. Don't hide ourselves, or our talents... its not ultimately in the best interest of anyone.
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